Mommies Are People, Too

I have been with my husband for almost seven year, in his and his son life for that long. And today it hit me just how much my stepson means to me. I guess I have not allowed myself to feel that close to him. Not because I didn’t like him, but because the relationship with his mother has not been great. She told him early on that he was not be affection towards me. Never wanting to make him uncomfortable I never push the issue. I have always let him take the lead. He was five when my husband and I started dating, and it didn’t seem right to take her place when we were together. I was and remain strong about being whoever my stepson needed me to be. I am still the adult and take control if I have too, but never pretend to be his mother.
I have a two year son now, and my stepson has become a big brother. I didn’t know it at the time but having my son made me a mother figure to my stepson. I finally understand my role in his life and that it’s okay to love him outwardly. Yesterday, we – the whole family including his mother dropped him over at camp. After I felt weird, I was worried. For the first time I had an ache, I was going to miss him. I worried if we had packed the right things and if whether or not he was going to be home sick. Today, as I sit and write this, I wonder what he is doing, if he is having a good time. These are thought and feelings I thought I would only have toward my son. Never understanding that after all these years Andrew is my son too.

Lately I have had conflicting thoughts about staying at home or going back to work. I’ve been home now with my son for two years. And I although I’ve loved the experience, I am so ready for real conversation and a moment that belongs to me, even if that means clocking in. I have come to the conclusion that I am really done, no more children for me. I am a stay at home mom and I have loved it, but I am done with being at home. In other words I am done with being a full-time mom. (Is that wrong?) The thought makes me feel guilt. I have not made any real plans to go back to work, but I like I mention before, I really want to!!!

It isn’t like I have to return to work, I am lucky in that my husband makes a decent living. We have been able to stay a float without much sacrifice. However, I have always made my on money, granted it has never compared to what my husband brings home. But, if I need or want to do something selfishly for me and only me I could. I don’t have that luxury anymore. Here comes the guilt again, I feel like I should take full advantage of the fact that I don’t have to work and enjoy this time with my son. I know I’ll feel so much worst when I have to get up every morning and take my son to daycare. Talk is easy and although I feel I need more selfish time to be me, when put into practice it may feel so wrong. After all, my son is here because I selfishly wanted him too. He didn’t ask to be here. Furthermore, they are people who need the work more then I do, so I think I am going to let go of the idea of returning to work and enjoy my little boy a little while longer.